Labeling myself

As I have mentioned, we didn't tell many people of our struggles early on. We decided to work on things without involving most of our friends and family. When J moved in with a friend, it lead to several white lies to cover the fact we weren't living together. When she later moved into her own apartment, we decided to stop making up stories and let people know there was trouble in our marriage.

We wanted to tell people in person if possible. When we called the first few couples to let them know we wanted to talk to them about something, they guessed we were pregnant. No, the other thing. The conversations were of course difficult, but our friends and family were supportive. They asked some questions, but didn't demand too many details. They hoped we would work things out, but reaffirmed they would be in our corner no matter what.

Before anyone knew, it was a lonely existence, talking about everything except the most important thing going on in my life. At times it was torturous - we went to a party with friends an hour after I found out J was moving into an apartment. But at the same time, before we told anyone what was going on, I could spend time with friends discussing less weighty subjects.

Once we began sharing our story, it became the elephant in the room. Sometimes it was talked about, most often it wasn't, but it was always there. It was certainly more honest, but tougher in a different way than keeping the secret from everyone. Conversations were sometimes awkward as we danced around the subject. It now felt like I was wearing the label "friend getting a divorce" like a scarlet letter. My friends didn't treat me this way, it is just how I felt.

As things progressed, the baggage I carried into every room became a little lighter. Conversations were a little less stilted, and I shared more of what was going on. I still struggle with speaking candidly, though. I know my friends and family struggle for the right words to say, and I don't know that there are any. It seems the most difficult thing for me is when people say "I'm sorry". It is like a child who falls down and only cries if someone offers sympathy.

The label is still there, but at least it doesn't feel like it's tattooed across my forehead. But it will always be on my resume.