Divorce = Failure

I've been having a hard time getting past this.

We failed not only each other, but ourselves. I am still unaware of anything that couldn't have been fixed, and that makes it all the more frustrating/sad/lame that we weren't able to save the marriage. Couples before us have weathered far more and come out the other side, yet somehow we were too weak or uncaring to manage it ourselves.

And we failed other people in our lives as well. I have tried to not take that burden on, because it is overwhelming, but it is there all the same. Our decision was not made in a vacuum and we have let down the friends and family that stood with us on our wedding day, and stood behind us on all the days since. We had to focus on our own health and well being of course, but there is a certain amount of selfishness in the decision to part.

At some point, we are just another statistic, one of the 50% that don't stay married. With those sorts of odds, that of a coin flip, maybe I shouldn't feel so bad about the failure. But I do. It wasn't mere chance or destiny that we should fail. I don't think we were starstruck by love and missed some glaring incompatibility. I still think we were a good match, and we just pissed away a great chance at happiness. The odds weren't stacked against us. I think we actually had a better shot than most at happiness. The failure is on us.

And that failure will be a part of me always. The sting of it will lessen as time goes by, and as I recover and mature. But it will always be on my resume.

I have been working on my resume lately. I haven't been able to make it reflect who I really am, what I am capable of. I am not a job hopper - until this year the last three positions I held lasted 3, 7 and 11 years. But I haven't stayed in one industry, and the last one I was in (real estate/lending) is hardly growing. I need to convince an employer that my skills will translate to a position in a new industry. But in this job market with so many people seeking work, there are people who have a work history that matches the job description to a 'T'. I have confidence that I can learn and even excel at many things, but I need to convince someone to look past the one sheet synopsis.

And my personal resume isn't looking any better. 42, divorced, unemployed, and living with my parents. Not the best dating profile (not that I am ready to date). But like my professional resume, that brief description hardly describes me. There is so much rich text behind the cover for those who bother to look past it. I have a wonderful family, and spending the last few months with my parents has been a blessing. At 42 I feel healthier than I did at 32 (or even 22). And I will work again.

Though I am feeling a little knocked down this year, I still feel good about who I am at my core. The failure of our marriage made me feel worse about myself than I ever had before. In trying to save the marriage, and working through the aftermath, I have rediscovered my blessings and reconnected with life. I still feel shame about my failings, but I am learning to work on them, instead of simply beating myself up about them.

I feel like now I could be the husband and partner I should have been. Hardly perfect, but the version I was always capable of. I don't get a second chance with J, but I intend to continue to use this failure as a learning experience. The divorce will remain in my history, but like a bankruptcy on a credit report, after a certain amount of time the impact on my evaluation will lessen.

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