Hiding from the holidays

I am kind of skipping Christmas this year. My heart just isn't in it this time.

Several people have said the first round of holidays after separation/divorce are the worst. To be honest, I think last year was worse. Last year we had just started counseling, and I was just realizing how bad things were. J was out of town spending Christmas week with her Mom. It was more than just time with Mom though, it was time away from me to think.

Spending Christmas without J was tough. I had all of my family with me, but there was a cloud in the room as well. I was the only one who knew what was going on, stuck making excuses why J wasn't there. It was a plausible story, but it wasn't the whole story. Though there was plenty of love and joy in the room, I was left with a knot in my stomach and my mind elsewhere.

When J and I met a few days after Christmas to exchange gifts, it felt forced and there was little joy. The one gift I gave her that had any sentimental value fell flat. We went through the motions but couldn't pretend that it was anything like Christmas' of the past.

This year, Christmas feels a little like a non-event. I've dug out my favorite Christmas CDs, but I can't seem to put them in the player. I haven't watched any Christmas movies either. My heart isn't in it, and it would feel like I was going through the motions again. It is less of a feeling of pain this year, and more a feeling of emptiness.

I will be spending the day with my wonderful immediate and extended family, and I am sure it will be a lovely day. But next year will be different, better. I will find the Christmas spirit again. I will find new joy in the season.

I am not looking for anyone to step in and try to make this Christmas special. I would rather let this Christmas go by a little unnoticed. I think I just need a pass this year.