I am being forced to think analytically about something I do reflexively. And sitting down and analyzing what you do reflexively, is how you improve.
~ Howard Tayer
The above quote is from one of the three main speakers on the Writing Excuses Podcasts. At the end of season two, they each did an episode on "the most important thing they had learned over the last year". Howard's was that he was often writing satire, intentionally or unintentionally, when he went about writing humor. After realizing what he was doing, it allowed him to do it better.
When pressed on how he came to the realization, he said, "Honestly, it was recording these podcasts with you Bozos." By participating in this podcast lecture series, and trying to explain techniques to other writers, he learned more about himself and his writing.
Then he continued with the above quote, and the way he put it struck a chord with me. So much so that I stopped my run to rewind it and hear it again. Of course he was talking about writing, but it seemed an appropriate summation of how I have come to learn more about myself through the divorce and subsequent counseling.
We all have behaviors that are detrimental to ourselves and our relationships. Behaviors that we barely think about or even recognize. That is until they are pointed out - subtly or with a slap across the face to snap you out of your delusion.
And once the behaviors are out there (and you commit to changing them), the first question is often 'why' you have them in the first place. Digging into all the history and baggage behind "why it is that you are who you are" can be a painful process. It is often difficult to explain analytically why you do these things out of reflex. But digging through the muck and mire and trying to explain it to someone else is a valuable exercise.
By getting to the root of problem, the reasoning behind the behavior, you can often find a more productive way to express what you are really looking for. I have found it easier to get at the root of things by trying to explain it to both my counselor and friends. Often the mere fact that you can't explain 'why' makes it easier to see how ridiculous the behavior is.
It is difficult to break the habit or reflex until you step back and get some perspective. Sometimes it is possible to do it on your own, but I have found getting an outside perspective illuminating. And I did not come to this realization gently or on my own. It was forced on me, but I am better for it.
I am being forced to think analytically about something I do reflexively. And sitting down and analyzing what you do reflexively, is how you improve.
